For the one who doesn’t know
Life’s been one big question mark lately. If there’s one thing I could stand on the rooftops and shout to anyone who’d listen, it would without a doubt be an emphatic I DON’T KNOW.
I don’t know what I want next in my career. I hunt the job boards like everyone else, but not much excites me.
I don’t know when I want to have kids. I’m not ready, I tell myself, but I have no idea when I will be ready for that next chapter in my life.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, or what I’m doing this weekend. I don’t even know what to make for dinner tonight. And I definitely don’t know how to make time for all the things I say I want to do.
All of my I don’t know’s are rushing in like water flooding a house and I’m drowning, crushed beneath of weight of all my indecisiveness.
They say that knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want. My problem is that I know everything I don’t want, but I can’t ever seem to put a finger on what it is exactly that I do want. I mean, what a luxury though, right? For millennia, women have never had the freedom to make these choices in their lives. And here I am, living in a world where I have the ultimate power to choose what I do for work, where to live, when to have children. And yet I still don’t know.
One thing I do know for certain is that I want to curl up in bed every day under the crushing weight of all my I don’t know’s.
If you find yourself suffocating from all the I don’t know’s in your life like I am right now, know that you’re not alone. Recent research shows that young people are experiencing the equivalent of a mid-life crisis in some parts of the world, which “happens when someone in their mid-20s to early 30s begins to question the quality and direction of their life.” Feeling sad, unfulfilled, and anxious are common when faced with the uncertainty of who we really are and what we’re doing in this life.
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when confronted with all these I don’t know’s. What do I even do to gain clarity? Where do I start? I follow a lot of people online who I admire, and it’s their advice and words of wisdom I keep hearing in my head as I start to wade through the uncertainties I’m facing. These simple steps are a great starting point for all of us who feel stuck in the unknown:
Take a first step — in any direction. As author and blogger Mark Manson recommends, “Do the thing you have been avoiding. If you succeed, you will achieve something great. If you fail, you will learn something great. Either way, something great happens.” Whichever step you decide to take — whether it’s starting the blog you’ve been dreaming of, or taking an online class to learn more about a topic you’re interested in — you’ll get more clarity on what you really want to do. Things might still seem murky, but you’ll get a better sense of whether it’s something you truly want or not.
Be seen trying. This advice comes from designer and creative entrepreneur Justin Shiels, who writes a weekly inspirational email that always brings a smile to my face (check it out here!). It’s scary to try something new and look like you don’t know what you’re doing, especially when there’s seemingly a million other people already excelling at it on social media. But if we’re not willing to try something new, pursue our interests, and take the risk of looking ridiculous — or “a little bit cringy,” as Justin puts it — while doing it, then we’ll never learn more about what it is we like or don’t like, what we truly want or don’t want. Take it from me — I’ve put off writing this piece for months now because I’m scared — scared to fail, scared people will think it’s stupid, scared to share in general. But if I don’t do this now, I never will. And the fear of looking back 10 years from now and wondering what if is scarier to me than being seen trying (and yes, maybe failing) now. So don’t be afraid to be seen trying.
Leave room for the amateur. Content curator (and my personal fashion fave) Jordan Risa wrote this beautiful piece on leaving room for the amateur when we start something new: “In a time when the internet compels you to look perfectly packaged up, ready-to-sell, and fully realized, push back on it. Instead, make space for yourself to grow and find your way and develop organically. See the benefits in not being so sure, so established.” Once we decide to be seen trying, we need to give ourselves grace to grow. We don’t have to have everything figured out and polished, and it’s okay to not know what our long-term goals are when we’re trying something new. You know that saying, don’t let perfection be the enemy of good? If I had waited to start this website until every little detail was perfect and I knew exactly what my plans for it are, I never would have started. Nothing is ever going to be perfect, and that’s okay. Start anyway. You’re learning, you’re growing, and you’re giving yourself space to explore. Embrace it!
“Be patient. Your future will soon come to you and lie down at your feet like a dog who knows and loves you no matter what you are.”
As you start taking these steps toward clarity, remember to be gentle with yourself. Branching out of your comfort zone is incredibly brave, but also really tough sometimes. In the midst of it all, I encourage you to remind yourself daily of these two truths:
Take it one day at a time. It’s far too easy to put so much pressure on ourselves to find that ONE dream job, our ONE true calling, the ONE thing we’ve been placed on this earth to do. But that’s not going to happen overnight. Escaping the labyrinth of uncertainty takes time — give yourself grace to go your own speed during this process. Focus on the small steps you can take today to get where you want to be. It’s perfectly okay to start slow (baby steps, I tell myself). It’s your journey after all, nobody else’s — there’s no need to rush the process.
Remember, God’s got you. I may not know what I’m doing with my life, but God does. When my anxious thoughts start spiraling into complete chaos, I rest assured in His promise from Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” When we spend time in God’s word, praying to him about our lives and placing all our anxieties, hopes, and fears into His loving hands, I know that He will guide us to what He has planned for us. I know He’ll provide the guidance we need. And any closed doors we may encounter along the way just mean that God has something better in store for us.
Slowly but surely, I’ll climb out of this overwhelming uncertainty in my life, and I know you will too. The more I think about it, maybe it’s actually a good thing to not know all the time. Not knowing doesn’t have to be this scary, unescapable roadblock. Instead, we can view it as an invitation to explore, to keep our options open, to embrace trying new things, and to branch out from the comfort zones we’ve fallen into. So here’s to us, the ones who don’t know right now. You’re not alone in the uncertainty. As Kurt Vonnegut (one of my favorite authors) said, “Be patient. Your future will soon come to you and lie down at your feet like a dog who knows and loves you no matter what you are.”